I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
