he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
