so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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