I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
