My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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