Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
