I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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