oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
