I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
