she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
