when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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