I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All I want is dick and wine.
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