wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
