Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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