Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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