Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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