So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We named our party play list daddy issues
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
