Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
