What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
