I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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