Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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