so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
