Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
