I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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