I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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