do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
