Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
