You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
