I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
