My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
