Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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