idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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