New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
