Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
