My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
