Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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