I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
