How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
