Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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