I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
