just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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