I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
