I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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