she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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