fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Everclear isn't food dammit
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
