3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
