I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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