what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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