you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize