When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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