i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
