my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i believe in u and ur pee
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