You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
