I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
