Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
did you just send me my own nude
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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