tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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