Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
