this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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