i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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