Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
